Some Of The Funniest Jokes I've Heard


1) A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.A cop pulled up and said "I've gotta take you in, buddy. You're obviously drunk" Our trashed friend asks, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah buddy, I'm sure" said the copper "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the drunk guy says, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."


2) Stalking out a notoriousy rowdy bar for possable D.U.I. violaters, a cop watched from his squad car as a fellow stumbled out the door, tripped on the curb and tried 45 cars before opening the door to his own and falling asleep on the front seat. One by one, the drivers of the other cars drove off. Finally, the sleeper woke up, started his car and began to leave. The cop pulled him over and administered a breathalyzer test. When the results showed 0.0 blood-alcohol level, the puzzled policeman asked him how that was possable. "Easy" was the reply. "Tonight was my turn to be the decoy"


3) Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions. The 70 year old man says "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee." The 80 year old man says "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement." The 90 year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight I crap like a cow." "So what's your problem?" asks the others. "I don't wake up until nine!"


4) Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and died brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the country side, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the sheppard, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The sheppard, always the gentlemen replied, "Of course." The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352" This being the correct number, the sheppard was, understandable, totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock." The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful then any of the others. When she was done, the sheppard turned to her and said "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair colour, can I have my dog back?"


5)A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines so thought he'd become a mechanic. So he went along to mechanics school and the final test was to strip the engine completely and reassemble it obviously back into perfect working order. So out gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result. The day he recieved the results he got quite a suprise, he got 150%! He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark. The instructor said "no no that's right. First I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine-a very thorough job. Next I gave you 50% for reassembling it-a fantastic jon really, and then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the muffler."


6) This guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist "Listen, I have 3 girls comming over tonight. I never had 3 girls at once, I need something to keep me horny, keep me potent." So the pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small black cardboard box marked with a "X" and says "Here, if you eat this you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!" The guy says gimme 3 boxes". The next day, the same guy walks into the same pharmacy, right up to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black & blue, with skin hanging off in places. The man says "Gimme a bottle of deep heat". To which the pharmacist replies "Deep heat? You're not going to put deep heat on that are you?" The man replies "No it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up"!!!


7) There's a woman in a hospital in a coma. Her nurse notices after a few days that every time she sponge bathes the woman around the crotch, her vital signs, according to the nearby monitor, increse significantly. The nurse gets the bright idea that oral sex might provide the stimulus to bring the woman out of her coma. She calls the woman's husband, tells him her idea about oral sex, and he agrees. When he arrives at the hospital, the nurse ushers him into the room, closes the curtain around the bed, and closes the door. Five minutes later, the man comes running out of the room screaming that all of his wife's vital signs have plummeted to zero and she needs a doctor immediately. The nurse, upset that her idea had not worked, but seemed to be threatening the life of the woman she had sought to save, asked the man what happened. "I'm not sure, but I think she choaked"


8) Yo mama's soo fat, when I yell "KOOL-AID", she comes crashing through the wall.
b) Yo mama's soo fat, her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters.
c) Yo mama's soo fat, her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.


9) A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:

Most honorable sir:

You leave house.

He come house.

I watch.

He and she leave house.

I follow.

He and she get on train.

I follow.

He and she go in hotel.

I climb tree-look in window.

He kiss she.

She kiss he.

He strip she.

She strip he.

He play with she.

She play with he.

I play with me.

fall out of tree, not see.

NO FEE


10) A college couple is under a tree on campus making out. After a while, the girl says, "I wish you had a flashlight." He says, "Why's that?"
She says, "Because you've been eating grass for fifteen minutes."


11) Excuses are like asses everyone's got em and they all stink


12) If Barbie is soo popular, why do you have to buy her friends?


13) If you choke a smurf what colour does it turn?


14) What happens if you get scared half to death twice?


15) For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.